Summarian Logistics

October 7, 2010

Do not ask me to explain the title, it just feels right.

So first of all, I have not, for one week, forgotten about this blog. I know my startling amount of updates would say otherwise, but all the little tidbits of ideas I did come across were never enough to warrant a full post. Today I was finally blessed with a realistic amount of inspiration, which follow later.

Here’s just some random thoughts that have been conglomerating in my mind:

Fap fiction: A story without any sort of deep narration written only to please the author and/or the fans in some simplistic fashion (see: Twilight). A Google search comes up with nothing on this term, so I guess I own it. Woo.

I have a jacket with upside pockets near the shoulders that have no apparent purpose and it is very disconcerting.

Granite is a plutonic igneous rock that can be found in abundance nearly anywhere in Nevada. There is no excuse for needing to drive an hour to the top of a mountain near a lake just too look at intruded granite. Especially when the weather can’t decide between a thunderstorm or a hailstorm and goes about debating this by doing both simultaneously.

Anywho, after months of deprivation I was sitting in my Core Humanities discussion this morning and someone attempted to seem smart and said something regarding “the nature of man” and I, being a cynic with a superiority complex, decided that was a stupid thing to say. It’s just one of those phrases someone says and everyone just sort of nods understandingly and with a look of deep consideration scratches their chin. What does it even mean?

To explore this obviously drawn out and useless examination of this non-issue, I’ll begin by looking back towards the MythBusters I was watching the night prior. In this episode, they were testing suggested methods of beating crime dogs (ie sniffer dogs and blood hounds). After the dogs completed the task it was assigned to (finding some hidden contraband, locating a runaway convict), they were given a treat and/or a toy. Aside from the Pavlovian conditioning, I had come to the conclusion that these dogs were basically being rewards for being dogs.

Now, I understand that this is not unlike how the world normally works with people, but there is a difference. People who have some specialization are rewarded with a fair paying job or some sort of medal (depending on the specifics of their talent), but this is only because they have a superior or at least slightly above average ability in said skill. These dogs, on the other hand, are receiving benefits for having the functional version of their sense. It’s not even something they have to learn. It would be like giving a man a cake for being able to identify two different colors. Human eyes are normally quite capable of such so he is being rewarded simply for not having a physical impairment.

This lead to my being curious as to whether there was such a job for humanity. If there was a job (ie some form of reward, pay, or compensation) for simply living as a human. I figured this would simply entail requiring food, water and shelter and being a social creature. Perhaps there would be a bonus for doing human things like identifying patterns or using tools or having the ability to perceive the world around you using your senses, but I digress. Obviously no such job exists (excluding experiments, but those are usually not built on a wage) as the vast majority of the planet would qualify for it. So why are dogs so damn special?

The answer to that is simple (humans using them as tools/assistants so they need to be well cared for), but irrelevant to this discussion. The problem, then, is when someone uses the whole “nature of man” to describe any sort of philosophical condition (yes I recognize the irony). Looking at this, the “nature of man” is nothing beyond just a series of physical habits and necessities, so describing a literary piece as such (in this case, a poem) is basically saying that the writing highlights man’s need to do something as banal as use the bathroom. What the phrase should be is the “philosophical nature of man” or the “nature of man in regards to his philosophies.”

Yes this entire rant was in regards to semantics, I just like writing arguments~

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So for everyone not reading this (including myself), I just wanted to say that the prime factor in updates stems from this little element known as “Motivation”. It’s rarely found in nature, and it seems I actually have an aversion to it. I’ve often found I can find it in fair quantities if people request things of me (and then my motivation becomes that which involves providing those things), but people are too polite (or more realistically, they don’t care to ask) so I never get anything done because no one wants me too. Also, this is one of those mild rants regarding readers, which at this point, are zero (coincidentally, the same number that care about any of my writing). So I’m not saying I want readers, but I am winking suggestively in that direction.

Why does nobody love me.

So aside from my questionably humorous drivel (basically I wanted to just type words, but hey, that’s why I got a blog! [Edit: This is actually a journal of sorts]), here’s some actual thoughts for today:

So over the past few months, I’ve noticed that I’m sort of progressing further as a person. This isn’t to say I haven’t done this prior (read: I actually haven’t), but at this point I’m more aware of it/it’s more prominent. It’s not like I just picked a clique to fit into and started conforming to that lifestyle like so many high schoolers, but I’m seemingly progressing into the real mental maturity I assumed I possessed previously. It turns out that though I might have been smart, open-minded and understanding before, I was still very clearly blind to a good portion of the way people work. I had already accepted that I was introverted, misanthropic, etc, but I simply assumed I could learn to understand people and act appropriately to how I wanted to appear to them, or something of that nature. Funnily enough, I was actually wrong as a high schooler. Imagine that. Since then, however, I’m definitely matured out of my “I can do it my way and if that doesn’t work then oh well” form and yet still avoided the “please let me fit in oh god I want to be loved” form.

Skipping over any more hilarious wordplay, I’ll go right ahead and admit that my highschool quirk was believing myself to be an Otherkin. Knowing that 99% of anyone who might ever read this in the far future will not be familiar with this term, here’s a quick summary (for a more in-depth definition, there’s this wonderful thing you’re using right now called the Internet): Otherkin are those who, in some part, consider themselves not entirely human. In my case this referred to me believing myself to possess the soul of some other species (if you’re curious, it was some Elfen alien called the Elenari). At the time it simply made sense to me, “I don’t fit in at all! This difference explains all that very well and so I am comfortable with it. I also explains why girls don’t like me because I need that.” Obviously hindsight is 20/20, and looking back I can see how this was both a crutch and coping mechanism. I needed some reason to explain why I didn’t fit in and, and hey, being a different species fills that role quite well. But as one of my friends pointed out: “Dude that could totally all be explained psychologically”, that could totally all be explained psychologically. Which, yes, I did know at the time, but I was still accepting it as a possibility. I wasn’t adamant that I was non-human (as no slightly intelligent Otherkin should be), but I was playing willful ignorance (unknowingly) and pushing logic away for a while longer. I did still prefer my fantasy world, and now I know why.

But after she told me that, I began to look more critically at myself, and that’s when I saw the coping mechanism. Not only was I not quite ready to accept the real world (I was just finishing up my first semester of college), but I was still having trouble accepting that there could be some non phenomenal reason for my complete separation from societal norms and the constant rejections from females. Actually, I should stop using that term now. Women. Anywho. Having been a part of the Otherkin community and involved in some rather ambitious research efforts with it, I couldn’t just throw it away. But a few months later, that’s honestly just what happened. I looked at myself and said “Dude. Dude. Look at yourself. Sack up and let’s rock.” And thus I did. And for whatever reason, leaving that last part of my high school mentality behind opened up other doors. I no longer get depressed when single. On the contrary, I enjoy being single, and I enjoy the prospect that I can date openly and still always have that opportunity to meet someone. So yes, I did sort of grow up.

This was pretty much me just wanting to write this all down since it seemed significant in my life. I’m leaving my younger self behind. I’m deviating from my old wardrobe (actually own non-video game clothes now, got some new shoes), I recently stopped using my email account that I had since I was 12, and dating isn’t about the destination anymore, it’s about having fun and being in the prime of my life.

I enjoy life now, more than ever before. I am myself, and I am content in that.

In other news, I would like to start writing about other things than myself, for, you know, people who aren’t stalking and so I can be less of a narcissist. But since this is still my blog I can choose to write journals so hah. I’d just prefer if I could come up with something more interesting.

Also, I’d like to comment on my last post. It was more of that thing where your brain is moving approximately a billion miles an hour and I just wanted to get something out there, but since my mind was too busy warping in on itself, all I could produce was a convoluted mess. So if you did get something out of it, awesome, if not, just ignore it. I want to keep it as a reminder to myself to not write while on a brain rush, though, so it shall remain.

On a final note, I just wanted to mention that I just have a ridiculous amount of fun writing these and posting them and then seeing them on a website like this. Is this why blogging is so popular and addicting? If so, I can definitely understand it.

Of Want

May 16, 2010

So now that the semester has been over for a while and I no longer have any major home projects to work on, I can get to work on updating this with some form of regularity. Another reason it’s taken a while is that I was trying to come up with something to write about, but tonight it actually came to me which is always better than trying to force something. I definitely prefer inspiration based writing, so there’s a good chance more of these will come out on a per-idea basis. It remains to be seen.

For this evening’s piece, the discussion will focus on the philosophical discussion of what it is to ‘want’ something. I’ve been tossing about for the past month why I hold desire for certain things, and why some things hold more strength of want than others. For example, I can easily afford a subscription to a game I enjoy to a great extent, yet I’ve been weighing the pros and cons of it for a couple of weeks now. On the other hand, I’m willing to spend even more for a game that I already know I won’t enjoy as much, and haven’t even second guessed it. Why is this? At this point nothing conclusive has come up, so I’ll continue on with some other aspects and maybe my thought processes will kick in as I’m writing. One can always hope.

The major factor behind this continued train of thoughts evolved from my trying to understand what exactly I want in a relationship, and ended up with questioning my want of one in the first place.I knew I enjoyed certain activities associated with relationships (i.e. cuddling, etc), but got into a multiple part debate about whether I needed a relationship just for these things, whether I could even hold a real relationship after only having limited ones in the past, whether I enjoyed relationships just for those aspects, and other related ideas. Eventually, the mental proceedings reached the point of was I sure if I even wanted any of this. Obviously, I enjoyed at least parts of it, so I should at least want those parts, right? Not so, it would seem, because I then reached the point where I wasn’t even sure if I liked those things at all, or if for the right reasons. Did I like them because they were part of the relationship, or because they brought me happiness on only some levels? Other questions arose as well that began to bring me in a circle, so I dove down into the philosophy of why one would want anything.

I am very must a proponent of instinct. I trust that this body will tell me what I need so as to fulfill my requirements for life and happiness, and thus I follow these desires to the best of my ability. Straightforward this seems logical, after all self-preservation is the backbone of instinct and thus your body would tell you what you need to survive and the like. But the problem arises when you look at survival needs vs mental needs. Since all want is basically “I have a desire towards X” and is a good feeling  exerted mentally towards whatever X might be (except in the case of negative reinforcement, i.e. “I do not want Y and since X is the opposite I want that”), it can be difficult to differentiate the two. You can obviously feel hunger in your stomach, but do you not also feel it mentally, the need to eat? The same can be said for emotional (mental) desires. When you like someone, it is mostly a mental process, but can you not also feel the metaphorical butterflies?

And then comes the fact that there are some thing I enjoy vs. things I want. It might seem obvious that you want the things you enjoy, but do you enjoy everything you want? Are you sure you want or enjoy anything at all?

This isn’t really making much sense anymore, I just can’t pour my thoughts onto the screen fast enough and thus this clusterfuck of concepts appeared. In all honesty, I’m not sure what all to write about this problem. I know it is a problem because I can’t figure it out, so really I just wanted to put something down in hopes I could organize my thoughts more. This was pretty unsuccessful, but I just needed to get it out in some way. Ponder it what you will, but there is no definitive anything here. Hopefully I can get something real next time.

Introductions

May 1, 2010

To begin with, I don’t know where to begin. How does one go about starting a blog once the thing is actually put into existence? Is there some protocol set up for the first post? Does the writer just wing it?

I hope so, since that’s what I’ll be doing.

Aside from the various video game blogs I keep up with (if only to stay informed about, what else, video games), I’ve never actually read a ‘real’ blog. I’ve read the occasional blog post or excerpt, but never actually followed along with an author’s thoughts for any extended period of time through this medium. The concept isn’t something that escapes me, I’ve spent the last semester in a Journalism class hearing from my professor about how anyone can go out and start publishing journalistic entries without any effort or money. But to actually join in on such an endeavor? I am not familiar.

So then, there’s a good chance you may be asking why I did decide to start one without knowing first hand what one of these blogs are. I do have a fair number of reasons (including why I don’t want to read any other blogs just yet) and following those I’ll go into what I plan to discuss. But baby steps now, let’s start at the start.

As long as I’ve known myself (or as long as I’ve tried to look at myself objectively), I’ve noticed I tend to come up with elaborate strategies to organize my thoughts. Not just things like high school brainstorming spider plots required before you can even think about even outlining, but pages of charts and comparisons examining ideas and the like and setting them out in plain ‘this is what I think’ fashion. Even on a lesser level, I like labeling my opinions with whatever words I can find. For example, I love the words ‘misanthropic’, ‘introverted’, ‘cynical’ and ‘eccentric’ because I can literally summarize a good portion of myself using those along with words like them. Having adjectives and labels available to replace my long-winded and overly detailed explanations of my opinions make it so much easier and convenient to be able to describe who I am and what I think to others without needing to go into extensive details and examples (this isn’t to say I define myself by these terms, just that they can help describe my thoughts on subjects quicker, like a shortcut). Eventually I could stop listing how things made me feel and instead just get to work on getting down a few handfuls of words to toss about when I need to explain things relating to my views. I can now shortcut “I believe that any and all deities can exist but won’t worship anything without proof” with “open-minded unbiased polytheist” and occasionally even just to “I’m polytheistic”.

However, this does not mean I plan to start just posting these now mental compendiums and link them to some subject. If those were all I needed then a blog would most definitely not be for me. No, there are still subjects that a keyword doesn’t exist for (yet) or doesn’t suit. Even subjects I have summarized, like my polytheism, for example, can still be explained. Yes I am polytheistic, but why? There’s no way to adequately explain that in just a sentence or two, and thus a couple of paragraphs will need to be formed. Again, you might say that still doesn’t explain the need for writing them down if I have the arguments complete in my mind. Well that’s my main reason: I actually want to have a collection of my thoughts written down. Just because I don’t make as many lists and charts as I used to, doesn’t mean I don’t still enjoy organizing my ideas. So, I wanted to write them down. But being the type who likes to converse with others about said ideas, I figured it would only be too much of a bother to start novelizing them and thus the best outlet I could think of would be a blog. So, here I am.

For why I’ve not read any other blogs yet (and subsequently don’t want to for a while at least), the short answer is that I don’t want to try to conform to some standard when I’m writing. After I read something, I tend to think (and thus write) that way for a fair while (as I’m sure many others do), and were I do to that for a subject I am completely alien to, then I believe I’d try to work to fit the schema of ‘blog’ that I would most likely form. Basically, I want this to be as natural as I can get it. Obviously it’ll still be affected by other things that I read, but I want to avoid subconsciously trying to format it like a Common Blog™ as much as I can.

Anywho, subject matter. What all would I be expressing now that I’ve explained how and why I am expressing at all. I didn’t really want a theme blog besides my thoughts, so it’s probably going to be a smorgasbord of whatever if currently going through my head that day. For a basic gist of what I will most likely discuss, here’s the Categories I’ve got made so far are Entertainment (Internet Videos, Literature, Music, Television/Film, Video Games), People, Philosophy, Places, Worldly Events. If any of those need to be elaborated on, well, you might need to pick something else to read. I don’t want to baby anyone, so I’m going to go the common knowledge/understanding route. If I know it because someone else told me, then I’ll most likely assume that it needn’t be explained. If It’s from my own research or I made it up then I’ll definitely explain it. Just wanted to get that out-of-the-way. But back to topics, I can’t see much else I’ll be talking about. School would probably just get broken into discussions regarding Philosophy and People or Worldly Events and the like. Politics is a huge NO from me so anything related to that will simply be divided into its own categories since I will only talk about things that make up politics, and not any collective of beliefs known as a ‘party’ together. If I talk about dating or sex or anything like that, it’ll be in the general sense since I know how mad I get when I’m reading something and the author likes to give me their sob story right in the goddamn middle. So no personal bollocks unless it is generally relevant.

In conclusion (or “I can’t find anything else to talk about”), I’m not looking to get popular overnight nor am I going to whine if I don’t get readers. I’m a writer, I know how hard it is to try to balance appeal with what you actually want to write. In theory, I could write a gossip blog about video games, actors and athletes if I wanted readers. But I’m here to write about what I want. I’m appealing to myself here, and if you like it as well then feel free to read it, I’m glad to have you. No one is forcing you to read this, so leave if you don’t like it. On a related note, I really really enjoy good intellectual debates, so if you disagree with me on some point now or in the future I am all for having a bit of back-and-forth about it. But the second you try to pull some ad hominem garbage out or your fucking ass I will come down on you with the fury of a thousand suns. So let’s keep it civil, yes? In the end I will always respect your opinion no matter what it is so long as you respect mine in kind. Just do NOT push your beliefs on me. I will not forgive you.

So there’s my first wall of text. I hope you’ll read the rest of them.