Something to do with development

June 11, 2010

So for everyone not reading this (including myself), I just wanted to say that the prime factor in updates stems from this little element known as “Motivation”. It’s rarely found in nature, and it seems I actually have an aversion to it. I’ve often found I can find it in fair quantities if people request things of me (and then my motivation becomes that which involves providing those things), but people are too polite (or more realistically, they don’t care to ask) so I never get anything done because no one wants me too. Also, this is one of those mild rants regarding readers, which at this point, are zero (coincidentally, the same number that care about any of my writing). So I’m not saying I want readers, but I am winking suggestively in that direction.

Why does nobody love me.

So aside from my questionably humorous drivel (basically I wanted to just type words, but hey, that’s why I got a blog! [Edit: This is actually a journal of sorts]), here’s some actual thoughts for today:

So over the past few months, I’ve noticed that I’m sort of progressing further as a person. This isn’t to say I haven’t done this prior (read: I actually haven’t), but at this point I’m more aware of it/it’s more prominent. It’s not like I just picked a clique to fit into and started conforming to that lifestyle like so many high schoolers, but I’m seemingly progressing into the real mental maturity I assumed I possessed previously. It turns out that though I might have been smart, open-minded and understanding before, I was still very clearly blind to a good portion of the way people work. I had already accepted that I was introverted, misanthropic, etc, but I simply assumed I could learn to understand people and act appropriately to how I wanted to appear to them, or something of that nature. Funnily enough, I was actually wrong as a high schooler. Imagine that. Since then, however, I’m definitely matured out of my “I can do it my way and if that doesn’t work then oh well” form and yet still avoided the “please let me fit in oh god I want to be loved” form.

Skipping over any more hilarious wordplay, I’ll go right ahead and admit that my highschool quirk was believing myself to be an Otherkin. Knowing that 99% of anyone who might ever read this in the far future will not be familiar with this term, here’s a quick summary (for a more in-depth definition, there’s this wonderful thing you’re using right now called the Internet): Otherkin are those who, in some part, consider themselves not entirely human. In my case this referred to me believing myself to possess the soul of some other species (if you’re curious, it was some Elfen alien called the Elenari). At the time it simply made sense to me, “I don’t fit in at all! This difference explains all that very well and so I am comfortable with it. I also explains why girls don’t like me because I need that.” Obviously hindsight is 20/20, and looking back I can see how this was both a crutch and coping mechanism. I needed some reason to explain why I didn’t fit in and, and hey, being a different species fills that role quite well. But as one of my friends pointed out: “Dude that could totally all be explained psychologically”, that could totally all be explained psychologically. Which, yes, I did know at the time, but I was still accepting it as a possibility. I wasn’t adamant that I was non-human (as no slightly intelligent Otherkin should be), but I was playing willful ignorance (unknowingly) and pushing logic away for a while longer. I did still prefer my fantasy world, and now I know why.

But after she told me that, I began to look more critically at myself, and that’s when I saw the coping mechanism. Not only was I not quite ready to accept the real world (I was just finishing up my first semester of college), but I was still having trouble accepting that there could be some non phenomenal reason for my complete separation from societal norms and the constant rejections from females. Actually, I should stop using that term now. Women. Anywho. Having been a part of the Otherkin community and involved in some rather ambitious research efforts with it, I couldn’t just throw it away. But a few months later, that’s honestly just what happened. I looked at myself and said “Dude. Dude. Look at yourself. Sack up and let’s rock.” And thus I did. And for whatever reason, leaving that last part of my high school mentality behind opened up other doors. I no longer get depressed when single. On the contrary, I enjoy being single, and I enjoy the prospect that I can date openly and still always have that opportunity to meet someone. So yes, I did sort of grow up.

This was pretty much me just wanting to write this all down since it seemed significant in my life. I’m leaving my younger self behind. I’m deviating from my old wardrobe (actually own non-video game clothes now, got some new shoes), I recently stopped using my email account that I had since I was 12, and dating isn’t about the destination anymore, it’s about having fun and being in the prime of my life.

I enjoy life now, more than ever before. I am myself, and I am content in that.

In other news, I would like to start writing about other things than myself, for, you know, people who aren’t stalking and so I can be less of a narcissist. But since this is still my blog I can choose to write journals so hah. I’d just prefer if I could come up with something more interesting.

Also, I’d like to comment on my last post. It was more of that thing where your brain is moving approximately a billion miles an hour and I just wanted to get something out there, but since my mind was too busy warping in on itself, all I could produce was a convoluted mess. So if you did get something out of it, awesome, if not, just ignore it. I want to keep it as a reminder to myself to not write while on a brain rush, though, so it shall remain.

On a final note, I just wanted to mention that I just have a ridiculous amount of fun writing these and posting them and then seeing them on a website like this. Is this why blogging is so popular and addicting? If so, I can definitely understand it.


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